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Don’t look back in anger…

17 febrero, 2020

A short note to say that this is my first text ever written in English. Forgive any mistake and please point me in the right direction. Wasn’t so bad at writing in my own language,  and there was a time I used to do it a lot, so I hope trying in a different one isnt’ so bad…Enjoy it, share it, or not! 🙂

Don’t look back in anger, or so they say. Or at least, so they said in the song. «Sorry but guilty» I wrote the other day about it. And I did, I looked back in anger and I guess that I don’t feel bad about it. Sometimes is just part of the healing processes that now and then we have to go through in life. It’s probably just another step. I guess it’s just easier to forget and to move on when you embrace the anger, and when you let your hate to take the reins of your faith.

I’m not trying to say that it’s a lovely thing to do. Neither I feel great about it. But sometimes, life is just what it’s, and I was usually fine taking it that way.

I guess that each one of us might have different options to go through painful experiences. Life only taught me two, or I was just never interested in any other. Since hidding in a corner many years ago and having a swim in my own tears was not quite enjoyable, I learnt about the other option. Embrace your anger, rise and grow your hate like a farmer with his seeds, and let it flourish and do the job for you.

Get deeper in the darkness of your soul, and when you get scared enough about what you hide in it, about your own miseries as a human being, just keep going deeper and welcome everything you might find there in all its glory. And I can tell you that human beings can be wonderful for the good, but also for the darkest thoughts they can host and create in their minds. So don’t you be scared about it, as long as you can keep them inside and they don’t hurt anybody that you may care about.

Do not look back in anger, or so they say. And I did, guilty. For countless hours and days, in many dark nights before going to sleep. Awake for hours trying to forget, but only falling when I let my hate to destroy it all. And then, and only then, to have the sweetest possible dreams and to wake up the following morning healed and repaired, at least until the next fall to come.

Always considered myself somebody with his heart in the right place. And I guess that those few who know me well won’t say otherwise. I like to see it that way at least. It makes me feel better. But there are edges to myself that I like to polish now and then. The dark ones, so they can shine in all its beauty, might and power when I need a hand from them. And they willingly come to the rescue as requested and on short notice asking for nothing in return.

There in their corners hide deep, waiting for a call to come to my rescue. Sometimes was just love, some others the so called friendships when they were nothing but poor relationships. Sometimes were just business and some others just life. Most of the time were to be used against disgraceful human beings that we meet in our journeys, and some others against God himself for stealing those that I cared about from my side. And neither from my own darkness or from God himself I was scared. I like to talk to him I often say. And he has my word that we’ll sit down over a cigarrette and a coffee so we can together settle our debts when the time comes and he calls me into his office. Eye contact and proud of what I did and what I said. And only to him the right to judge or to question. But my eyes in his, chin up, claiming back all that he kept away from me. All that I owe him I’ll happily pay, but he better pays me back what he stole.

And when the storm of my hate flew away, I looked back again and there was no anger anymore. Just a few flashbacks of the happy memories that were left behind. Most of them related to love and human beings that just after my hate got to polish them for me, were shining again in all their beauty. Forgotten and buried deep in my past. Left behind and for good, but beautiful and shining memories once again. They were real, and I lived each single one of them, and enjoyed them until God, Life or the miseries of other human beings stole them from me.

Do not look back in anger, or so they say. And I did. Guilty. I just don’t anymore…but trust me when I say that I will do it again as many times as needed. Because only then, only when the storm throws its lightnings of hate and destroys it all, only when is gone, you get to see the sunset shining over some parts of the horizons of your past that happened, and those, weren’t so bad after all…

Do look back in anger and hate, and destroy it all. Or so they say. And then, admire what you did and what you lived. Because it was real, and it was beautiful…

Licencia de Creative Commons
Don’t look back in anger… by Juan José García Gómez is licensed under a Creative Commons Reconocimiento-NoComercial-CompartirIgual 4.0 Internacional License.
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